3 Ways to Navigate Caregiving When Love and Resentment Collide

Caring for an aging parent is often portrayed as an act of love, gratitude, and reciprocity — the child giving back to the one who raised them. But what if your parent did not nurture, protect, or show up for you in the way you needed? What if your childhood was marked by neglect, criticism, or abuse?

For many adult children, caregiving brings up a unique struggle: the desire to do the “right” thing while carrying years of pain from the past. It can feel like a constant dance — one step toward compassion, one step into resentment. You may find yourself making meals, running errands, or sitting by your parent’s side while simultaneously wrestling with memories of harm and longing for the care you never received.

This tension is real, and it can be exhausting. The truth is: you are not alone in it. Below are three ways to navigate this complicated landscape — not to make it easy, but to make it survivable, and perhaps even meaningful, on your terms.

Name the Truth of Your Experience

Many caregivers in this position try to silence their resentment by telling themselves, “It’s in the past” or “I should be over it by now.” But suppressing your truth only makes caregiving heavier.

Acknowledging your feelings — anger, grief, bitterness, even hatred — does not make you a bad caregiver. It makes you an honest one. Writing in a journal, talking with a trusted friend, or working with a therapist can help you name what’s happening inside you.

When you allow yourself to say, “I’m caring for someone who did not care for me,” you begin to loosen the grip of shame. Naming the truth doesn’t solve everything, but it gives you clarity and a measure of freedom.

Set Boundaries That Protect You

Boundaries are not walls to keep you cold or detached. They are limits that preserve your well-being so you can give what you choose to give — not what old patterns of obligation demand.

That might mean:

• Deciding what tasks you are willing to do and which you are not.

• Limiting how often you visit or how long you stay.

• Saying no to conversations that reopen old wounds.

• Bringing in outside help (friends, professionals, community resources) so the load isn’t entirely on you.

Resentment often grows where there are no boundaries. By protecting your time, energy, and emotional safety, you carve out space where caregiving feels like a choice — not a trap.

Find Care for Yourself, Too

Caregiving for a parent who once harmed you can reopen old trauma. That’s why it’s not enough to simply “push through.” You also need places where you are on the receiving end of care.

This might look like:

• Attending a support group for adult children of dysfunctional families.

• Working with a trauma-informed therapist or coach.

• Building a circle of friends who remind you that your worth is not tied to your caregiving role.

• Scheduling rest and respite, even in small ways, so your nervous system has time to recover.

Caregiving is often framed as selfless, but when you’ve lived through neglect or abuse, tending to your own needs is not optional — it’s survival.

The dance between caregiving and resentment will likely never feel smooth or easy. But it doesn’t have to destroy you. By naming the truth of your experience, setting boundaries, and seeking care for yourself, you can move through this season with more steadiness.

You are allowed to hold both realities at once: I am offering care, and I am still grieving what I never received.

Both can be true. And in honoring both, you honor yourself.